


Forever Is In Your Eyes

by puffyzuzu, wuyifantastic



Category: SF9 (Band)
Genre: M/M, Mentions of homophobia, Pining, ahaHahah, basically everyone is gay but rowoon but i have plans for that if i continue this verse, beware if you are???, calm confident gay youngbin, chani and hwiyoung are missing in this i am sorry i didnt know how to write them in, inseong and jaeyoon are a couple, mormons arent very kind here, panicked gay juho, uhhh this takes place in utah and it kinda is based off my experience living there, youngbin and dawon are together for a hot minute
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-04
Updated: 2019-06-04
Packaged: 2020-04-07 11:51:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,757
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19084453
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/puffyzuzu/pseuds/puffyzuzu, https://archiveofourown.org/users/wuyifantastic/pseuds/wuyifantastic
Summary: Juho moved to America to get away from it all, but he can't escape what others think of him. At least there is Youngbin, who makes it a little more bearable.





	Forever Is In Your Eyes

**Author's Note:**

> title taken from Heavenly Way To Die by Troye Sivan.

Juho’s move to America was, by far, the scariest experience of his entire life. He still felt it as he clutched his passport to his chest. He made it passed customs, unsurprisingly, and he just had to find his way through the maze of people crowding around baggage claim.

 

He did not take much from home with him and wasn’t shipping anything either. America was a fresh start for Juho in many, many ways. It was with a blur of garbled English on a practiced and polite tongue before Juho actually made it to his college, the dorms where he would be living for the next...four years. At least.

 

The first real step onto American soil ended up with him staring, wide eyed, at a daunting university campus. It was huge. He wondered for a moment before his trek to the dorm rooms, if he would ever be able to get things straight so he wouldn’t get lost.

 

The chaos that was the dorm room hallways happened to be even worse than the airport. He felt drained automatically, desperate to check in and get to his dorm room. He wanted to put his cheap sheets on his bed and just. Sleep.

 

At least the scenery was lovely. The valley where the college sat expanded around him, surrounded by mountains. The breezy air didn't mean it wasn't swelteringly hot. Juho already had sweat beaded on his forehead from the  journey from the main campus lawn to the dorm rooms where he would be staying- and it was less than a ten minute walk.

 

Juho supposed he must take the bad with the good. He trudged forward and thanked every god he knew that he had been so proficient at English and studied hard even before his plan to come to America. He could already tell that this would be very crucial to his time here and any less than the level he was at now would have been no good.

 

In truth, it had been an impulsive decision. America was so far from home- but Juho had wanted it that way.

 

He’s 19- 18 in America, and he felt... so relieved. In a lot of ways, he was free. Free from family, his past. As he settled into his newly made bed for the night, he felt something akin to hope. A new start was what he needed, this was just it. He had never been so sure about a decision in his life.

 

……

 

 

He spent the week before classes started to get familiarized with the campus. He practiced the walk from each class and explored the campus library and cafeteria. He knew it would all be so much different when there were floods of students in the hallways, but at least he would be sure he wouldn’t get too lost if he made the effort to get things figured out now.

 

In that week, he met a lot of different people, attended Foreign Student Orientation, and got comfortable. He couldn’t say he made any solid friendships yet, but it had always been challenging for Juho to really connect with people. He was shy at first and had a strange sense of humor.

 

It only took one day of classes for things to change. For him to realize that he hadn't made a step in the right direction at all. Everything had started out so smoothly it was hard to comprehend his surroundings as everything snapped, like a rubber band that had been stretched too thin.

 

“I can’t believe I’m living with a lesbian. Ew.” Juho overheard as he scanned the campus bulletin board. Originally, he had come in hopes of maybe a small tutoring job or even something where he could get free food.

 

What he found was even worse, it made his hairs stand on edge, nerves frayed. He didn't pick up the information on the Asian American Heritage club like he had reached out for. Instead, he turned tail and left.

 

When he had first met his roommate, he was asked if he was Mormon. Juho had said no, and he didn’t know what that was. His roommate then went into detail about the religion. More information than Juho wanted to know, but he listened politely.

 

Too afraid of causing suspicion among his roommate, or worse, coming off as interested, Juho conducted some research of his own when he got back to the dorm that day after he had overheard that conversation between the two girls. It was then that Juho discovers he’d made a terrible, terrible mistake.

 

The freedom feeling didn’t last that long. He really should have researched where he was going when he signed up. Even with being given a full academic scholarship, if he had known, he wouldn’t have accepted.

 

There was no escape, he felt. He was so worn down by the burden of being unable to be himself.

 

He had thought America was accepting. Would be a safe haven for him and people like him.

 

Homosexuality will always be a sin. This is an opinion that followed him like the plague. No matter where he went, even across an ocean. The reminders of his shortcomings, of his abnormalities, were ever present and glaring.

 

At night, through multiple nights, images flooded his mind, made his blood flow faster, anxiety through the roof which made his heart feel like it was about to explode. He didn’t want to see the man who he had fallen for, a forever a forbidden love in multiple ways. He didn’t want to see the heated sessions and whispered promises as he slept. Didn’t want to remember the pain as each hit and kick landed against him. Or the faces of the people who had tormented him. His friends.... his dad...

 

Or the blood.

 

Juho bolted upright, one hand clutched to his chest. He was in his dorm. Safe. No one knew here. His roommate was asleep peacefully, unaware of the tormented boy in the bed across the room. Juho, despite the fact it was 5am and his classes weren’t for another 3 hours, didn’t go back to sleep. Instead, he ran.

 

He couldn't ever stop running, he thought as he laced his shoes. The anxiety, fear, and torment would follow him throughout his life. He couldn't change who he was, he couldn't change how people viewed him because of it. All he could do was run and hide and hoped no one would ever find out. A month had passed by and Juho could safely say no one knew. Because he kept everyone at a distance.

 

He had every intention on being able to make friends when he arrived. However, that changed when he had heard that conversation. Now he was too scared. Too afraid of rejection and torment.

 

Even though he had been a part of his soccer team in high school, he hadn’t continued the sport through to university. He hadn’t even kept with running. He had heard about an infamous ‘freshman 15’ but it didn’t apply when he found himself living on mostly ramen and veggies. But he was definitely getting out of shape- though it had only been about three months since leaving school and his team, his lungs burn after the first mile. It’s a seven minute mile and he found himself appalled at his pace.

 

But when he hit the shower, sweaty and red in the face, he felt better. Aching, but his mind was clear.

 

Days passed and those turned into weeks which turned into months. Juho wasn't prepared for the cold weather, but he managed to find a decent winter coat at a thrift shop near campus while he adventured one day. Alone. He kept his head down and focused on school.

 

It turned out, it was hard to make friends while constantly worried over whether or not they would judge by something unchangeable and afraid of being shunned altogether. He doesn’t connect well with others in general, but the fact that he was too afraid to speak to anyone who might have been a part of that ideology made it even harder.

 

He didn’t know who to trust, he hadn’t even joined any clubs. He told his mother during their brief and hush phone calls that it was because he was too focused on his studies and that he didn't want to risk the loss of his scholarship by getting too much on his plate.

 

She still worried, though. She still wanted to see her son happy. She wanted to know he was okay after everything.

 

Juho... was not okay. He didn’t think he will be. Not for a while, at least.

 

It was in the library, where he usually goes at least two times per week to get some quiet studying done, where things changed for Juho. He didn't see it coming, of course he didn't. He was in the middle of a miniature breakdown, edging on an anxiety attack, when it did.

 

“What’re ya studying?” Juho looked up at the voice addressing him. There were no harsh tones, just genuine curiosity, but Juho felt hesitant anyway. He had become like a frightened deer in the year that things had been this way for him and his secret was found out by everyone he loved.

 

“Like...at this moment or what’s my major?” Juho asked, closing the book so the stranger could get a look at the cover.

 

“Damn.” The man whistled in admiration as he took in the advanced calculus book and made himself comfortable in the seat beside Juho. Juho did his best not to shy away. “That’s pretty impressive, what year?”

 

“First. Freshman. I think that’s what they called it.” Juho responded. And suddenly, he became very, very aware of his thick Korean accent on the English words. This man, though appearing to be Korean, had none.

 

“Did you just move here?”

 

Juho’s face colored slightly in embarrassment. His English was fluent, but his accent needed some work. He knew that now. “Yeah... at the start of the school year. From Korea.”

 

“I go by Ben.” The stranger said, offering a smile that lit up his face, his eyes crinkled into crescents. “But you can call me Youngbin.” This, he said in Korean.

 

Relief washed over Juho in a giant wave- he didn’t realize how homesick he had become in the four short months that he has been in America.

 

“I moved here at the start of my first year, too. It’s been three.” He said, in perfect Korean, no American accent at all. Juho admired his versatility, hoping to get there one day.

 

“I’m Juho, I haven’t started using any other name...” Juho slipped into Korean as well, excited for the break from English. “You like it here? I’m finding it hard to adjust to the.... religious climate.” He figured this was a safe topic, he didn’t know if there were any Mormons in Korea. It was a safe bet that Youngbin probably wasn’t.

 

Youngbin shrugged, a bit of a dark cloud passing over his face briefly before it was gone, and his smile flashed like the glint from his gauged earring. “If you know the right people, it’s not so bad.”

 

“My dormmate, it seems... Is not the right people.” Juho laughed, a genuine laugh that he hadn’t experienced in what seemed like weeks.

 

Josh’s intentions didn’t seem harmful, but there was only so much of being offered ‘the discussions’ Juho could take before it started to feel like a personal attack.

 

“Mm, I’m afraid a lot of them are like that. It’s why I moved out for this year. It’s been a dream come true. Even if the rent’s way too high.”

 

Juho lamented internally- he had already looked into it. Without a job, he was barely affording food from the measly allowance his mother wired him in secret. “Mmm, would if I could. I need to focus on school and not mess with a job for now. The first year, I heard, is important for adjustment.”

 

“Yeah, my first year here sucked.” Youngbin said candidly, and Juho can feel him studying his face. But Juho can’t look directly at him. “Finals are soon.”

 

The last statement came after a beat of silence, and Juho was suddenly struck with a spike of his ever present panic. “Y-yeah... I’m not at all prepared.”

 

Youngbin clicked his tongue and nodded towards Juho’s closed book. “If that’s what you’re starting out with, I know you’ll be fine. Practically a genius.”

 

Juho smiled at the casual compliment and shook his head. “I still need more time to study.”

 

“Then, perhaps I should leave you to it?”

 

For some reason, this made Juho panic internally.  He was panicking too much lately. Usually, he didn’t mind being left alone. He welcomed it with anyone else. “I... I think I could use a break.” Juho said quietly. And a friend. But he didn’t say that part out loud.

 

Youngbin seemed like someone he can trust. His handsome face might be a factor in Juho’s decision. It was smooth and dewy, like it was straight from a skincare ad. Not to mention kind and nurturing. Warm, too. There were a lot of feelings that Juho felt when he looked at Youngbin. So he tried not to do it too often.

 

Their friendship started out small, just casual meetings in the library as they seemed to both prefer to study there in the quieter hours when most of the students have gone. They exchanged numbers a week after meeting, on their third day in the library.

 

A week after that, a horrible snow storm had left the library closed. On the other end of campus, it was harder for plows and such to get that way. The roads were clear, but the sidewalks were piled high with snow. Juho began to suffer in his dorm room. His roommate had some friends over. Their conversation sounds a lot like a church meeting.

 

The chime of Juho’s phone had him relieved.

 

Youngbin hyung:

_Are you dying? My apartment isn’t too far off campus, do you have bus fare or should i pick you up?_

 

Juho wondered how Youngbin knew. He thought of the singular dollar he had in his wallet and sighed.

_Can you pick me up?_

 

Youngbin arrived with coffee, and Juho, who liked it black, couldn’t find it in himself to complain when it turned out too sweet. He thanked Youngbin with a smile and drank it to warm his chilly bones. Seoul winters were harsh, but this cold was even more brisk and biting.

 

“So much for the place being a desert.” He sighed to himself and squinted out the window through the snow storm. Youngbin had the heater blasting but Juho was still shivering.

 

“Sorry, this car is so old, probably older than you. The heater isn’t good anymore.” The older man apologized, a regretful look on his face.

 

Juho laughed at that and reached out to tap the car’s dashboard. “Ah, you’re doing well, hyung.” He encouraged the car, petting the hard interior gently. This made Youngbin burst out into laughter. The sound effected Juho in ways he had never been affected before.

 

Youngbin was handsome and dazzling in a way Juho has been known to be so taken with. That thought alone scared him shitless.

 

“How are you getting along with school?” He asked, as they stepped inside his warm, third floor apartment. It was kind of far from campus, despite what he had told Juho, but as Youngbin explained, it was what he could afford. “Do you like it here?”

 

“I think I could have picked a better part of America, but the scenery is pretty.” Juho joked and slipped off his shoes to place them on a mat by the door. His apartment is nice. And homey.

 

At least, far more so than Juho had been living with the past few months. The apartment opened to the kitchen, which is mostly white, but there was a window with light blue curtains. And there are matching hand towels hanging from the stove handles. A small wooden dining table with folding chairs sat off to the side. It was clean but for a few dishes in the sink and a pan on the stove. A small crock pot sat on the counter. It smelled heavenly. Juho took it all in with a soft smile. He was finally able to see how his friend lived, and he wasn’t sure what he had pictured, but this was so much better.

 

“I’m making stew. I’ve been watching a bunch of cooking videos.... I figured you might like some to warm up.”

 

“Yes, of course. It smells delicious.” Juho smiled gratefully and followed Youngbin into the living room. The couch was a dark red and well-worn L shaped sectional. It looked impossibly comfortable. As did the arm chair. It definitely. Truly. Felt like a home. Much needed for Juho, if he were being honest with himself. It was the first home he had seen since he moved. It definitely felt full of love like a home was supposed to.

 

They finished up their coffees and chatted over some sitcoms Juho had never seen before. Which isn’t a surprise, Juho doesn’t have television in his dorm and he had no time to watch it in the common rooms.

 

As the night drifted on, their conversation grows deeper. “I’m a great student, honestly. I just… don’t think my heart is in business.” Youngbin explained. Juho hadn’t asked, but he was happy to let the conversation head there. It seemed like this was something that had been weighing on Youngbin for a while. “They expect a lot from me, my parents, but I know that no matter what, they’ll be disappointed in me.” He sighed, shoulders sagged.

 

Their shoulders were now touching, Juho couldn’t help but notice. It didn’t bug him, not really. Youngbin was warm. Juho didn’t ask for Youngbin to explain what he meant about disappointing his parents, because that might have been something that Youngbin didn’t want to talk about at the moment.

 

“I like baking. And cooking, too. It is so risky to start a restaurant but… the idea that I could spend my day cooking and baking and making people happy and full? I like seeing people smiling after they eat something I make.” Youngbin’s voice sounded wistful, and Juho was disarmed, thinking he’s seeing something more than Youngbin had intended on revealing. He seemed so hopeful. And at the same time unsure. Juho’s heart skips a beat.

 

Before he knew it, Juho felt compelled to reveal his deepest, darkest secret. “When I left Korea, I was running away.” He was half slumped on Youngbin, eyelids drooping. Their stomachs were full of stew and it was getting late. Youngbin’s heated apartment a quiet paradise away from the snowy, loud city outside. “My dad beat the shit out of me when he found out. So did my friends. All of them. So I ran. My mom still sends me money, but it’s only enough he won’t notice has gone missing.”

 

He didn’t elaborate, and silence stretched for a while, the air was heavy. Juho’s eyelids drop closed completely. Juho wasn’t comfortable going into detail, but he still felt it was a relief to talk about.

 

Juho ended up falling asleep within that silence. Stress from finals had left him more tired than he realized.

 

He woke up the next morning with a crick in his neck, but a soft smile on his face and a warm fluttering in his heart. Youngbin made breakfast for the both of them. All Juho felt comfortable taking from Youngbin without promise of repayment was an egg and some toast. “American breakfasts,” he sighed to Youngbin, “Are never as filling as the ones back in Korea.”

 

“Next time,” Youngbin started, spreading a heavy amount of butter on a piece of toast. “I’ll make you a traditional Korean breakfast. Rice, stew, maybe some kimchi pancakes?”

 

Even the thought of eating a meal like that had his heart twisting with homesickness. “Yeah, that would be amazing. I could help, if you’ve forgotten how.” He offered, the tone light with a hint of teasing. It sounded amazing, even though he didn’t necessarily expect that morning to ever come.

 

\---

 

With finals and the semester over, Juho was left pretty much in the dorms alone. Except for the other kids who couldn’t go home for break. But, it was alright. Youngbin had promised his company and time.

 

It meant being more involved in Youngbin’s life. Truth was, he felt equal parts nervous and excited about that fact. Ever since Juho crashed on his couch the day before his finals, he had been increasingly curious about him. This included the other people in Youngbin’s life.

 

Meeting Youngbin’s friends was, without a doubt, the most nerve wrecking thing he had ever dealt with. He was nervous, afraid that if his friends don’t like him, then Youngbin would stop liking him, too. Even though they were all in college, his friends are probably all older. Cooler. More sophisticated. Juho didn’t know if he’d fit in.

 

Since Youngbin was the only friend Juho had made so far, he couldn’t afford to lose him. He didn’t think he could find anyone else like Youngbin. He can only hope that he would still have Youngbin even if his other friends found him insufferable.

 

James, or Inseong, was Korean as well. He was born in America, but he’s known Korean since he was little. Jaeyoon, or just Jae, was an exchange student in High School who decided to stay for college.

 

When asked why they stayed, no one had a solid answer. But they liked being around each other. None of them had any ties to religion, none that Juho knew anyway. He was almost afraid to ask. But Juho had mentioned his weariness of those from the main religion of the area before to Youngbin, and Youngbin hadn’t warned him.

 

He trusted Youngbin to tell him those things so he didn’t leave feeling uncomfortable. The fact they all speak in Korean around each other makes Juho incredibly homesick.

 

“Hey...” Youngbin nudged Juho. “You seem down, what’s up?”

 

“Oh-“ Juho shrugged his shoulders. “I just... miss Korea, I guess.” He missed his mom. His sister. Hell, he even missed his dad. “That’s normal, right? No matter what reasons I left?”

 

Youngbin ruffled his hair, the smile on his face was tinged with sadness but altogether fond. “Yeah. We all feel it sometimes.”

 

They play a wildly inappropriate card game with jokes Juho didn’t completely understand sometimes and ate junk food. There was some alcohol- but Juho declined even though they said it was fine. Juho hadn’t even gotten to drink in Korea when he left, he didn’t really want to do it now when he was still underaged. In America, at least.

 

Youngbin only drank one and a half beers, stating he needed to be more sober to clean up after them. If the response was out of character or not, Inseong and Jaeyoon gave no indication.

 

Juho, however, offered to help him clean. Youngbin disarmed him with the warmest smile Juho has ever experienced. Juho did help clean, after the other two visitors leave and before it got too late and they decided that they didn't want to do it anymore.

 

“They like you, you know. You don’t have to worry about that.” Youngbin said, garbage bag in one hand, a chip bag and a couple soda cans in the other.

 

“You think so?” Juho asked, placing a pringles can into the bag Youngbin was holding. “How can you tell?”

 

“They’re both very straightforward when they don’t like someone. Plus, you remind us all of how we were in our first year of uni. Panicked and obsessed with studying. It’s cute.”

 

Juho wasn’t sure if he was insulted or relieved. The fact that Youngbin just indirectly called him cute caused his cheeks to burn hot. He turned away to wipe off the chip crumbs from the table. “I’m glad they liked me. My mother keeps telling me I need to make more friends.”

 

“You think I’m not enough?” Youngbin asked, tone quite insulted. Juho’s head whipped up, eyes wide with shock. Before he could even respond to that and say that it wasn’t the case, Youngbin laughed. “I’m joking, ah- that face.” Youngbin’s words dissolved into giggles, and he had to lift his hand over his face to contain himself. Juho, however, was mortified.

 

But Youngbin’s laughter was worth every ounce of humiliation. It was even contagious, he realized and soon began laughing himself.

 

His mom would be so happy to hear that he was making friends. She was ecstatic when he told her of Youngbin. Now there is Inseong and Jaeyoon, too.

 

\------

 

On Christmas Eve, Youngbin surprised Juho with a homecooked meal of all his favorites from Korea. It was enough to nearly bring him to tears. He blinked them back before Youngbin noticed. “I had Inseong and Jaeyoon help. But they went to Inseong’s parents for Christmas.” Youngbin explained. He looked proud of himself when he heard Juho’s stomach growl.

 

Juho couldn't help but hug Youngbin. This must have shocked Youngbin as much as it shocked Juho considering his embrace wasn’t returned right away. Juho hadn’t ever shown any sort of extra affection like this. They weren’t really there in the friendship yet.

 

“Merry Christmas.” Youngbin whispered as they hugged.

 

“Merry Christmas.” Juho returned, voice a bit thick with emotion. This was definitely the greatest gift he had ever been given.

 

They ate to nearly bursting- Juho happily announced he aced his courses. Youngbin congratulated him with another helping of ddeokbokki.

 

It happened to be the best Christmas Juho has had in years. Especially greater than the last. Youngbin was warm and his smile took flight to dozens of butterflies in Juho's stomach. Juho helped Youngbin clean up, chatting about their childhood Christmases. After it was through, Youngbin poured them both a glass of eggnog.

 

“Inseong and Jaeyoon are a couple.” Youngbin mentioned casually, sitting down on his couch. This information gave Juho pause.

 

“Really?” He asked, and he couldn’t help but feel a little bit of panic.

 

“Yeah, does that upset you?”

 

Juho shook his head adamantly, “No!” He joined Youngbin on the couch, trying his best to appear calm. He thought he did a good job. Youngbin didn't seem to notice anything off about the way Juho was behaving. “I’m just surprised, why didn’t you tell me before?”

 

“They are always cautious about who knows. As you can imagine. People around here...” Youngbin didn’t continue. He didn’t need to. “I waited until I got permission from them to tell you.”

 

“Yeah-“ Juho knew what he doesn’t say. He agreed. “So, I passed the test? I can be a part of the Jaesong fanclub?” He joked, but his heart was beating fast in his throat. He wondered briefly if Youngbin can see it. Youngbin was looking at him, Juho couldn’t identify the look. He felt like Youngbin could see right through him. Could see ever dirty, wrong detail inside of him.

 

If Youngbin was okay with Inseong and Jaeyoon, that meant he would be okay with Juho, too, right?

 

“I’m gay, too.” Youngbin blurted. Juho’s mouth dropped open and a strangled noise came out- but he had no other response. He didn’t think he was breathing. Was he breathing? His heart was in this throat. “That’s why no matter what, I’ll always disappoint my parents. They don’t know. I’m afraid to tell them.” Youngbin continued, and for the first time Juho saw this side of him. He was unsure and maybe a little lost. Just like Juho was. It was different coming from Youngbin, who seemed so composed all the time.

 

It was almost heartbreaking.

 

“I—“ Juho finally found his voice, partially. “I came to America because I was caught in a relationship with an old teacher of mine.” Juho blurted out before he can stop it. “A male teacher.” He said the last part quietly, as if he didn’t want Youngbin to hear. And maybe he didn’t. Even though Youngbin had just confessed the same, this was the first time Juho has said anything about it out loud.

 

Youngbin’s eyes widened at the confession, and his mouth gaped open and shut a few times like a fish. “What-“

 

Juho stood, feeling embarrassed and definitely afraid. He didn’t know why he had said it, but he just felt like Youngbin should know. Should be aware. His heart pounds heavily in his chest. “I think I should go-“

 

“Wait-“ Youngbin reached out and grabbed Juho’s sleeve. Juho froze, staring at Youngbin’s grip. “I’m not bothered by it... I mean, obviously I don’t care if you’re gay...” Juho frowned at Youngbin, dubious of his response, Youngbin hadn’t mentioned his thoughts on the teacher part. Youngbin smiled softly in response. “You’re alright with me, Juho. I really won’t hate you for it.”

 

It was shocking how much those words affected Juho. How they made his heart race but his mind calm. Youngbin was special- he was special to Juho. It had barely been a month since meeting and Juho was already so attached and comfortable. He knew he could trust Youngbin with anything, as it became clear in that moment. With those words.

 

Juho, if he were honest with himself, had started falling for Youngbin well before he had confessed the reason he had come to Korea, but he was now realizing just how much he depended on Youngbin. And that terrified him.

 

Juho sank back to the couch, close to Youngbin. “Thanks… I…” He struggled to find a proper response. It was the first time he had heard those words. Even his mother, who he still talked to, wouldn’t say something like this. She avoided the topic altogether if she could help it. Juho vowed never to mention it to her again.

 

“You said your father beat you when he found out. Juho, I’m so sorry that happened to you.” Youngbin put his hand on top of Juho’s now. Juho stared down at their hands. “There’s nothing wrong with you, you know?”

 

Juho swallowed the large lump in his throat. “I haven’t ever said it out loud before… That… That I’m…” He stopped, lips clamping together.

 

“It’s okay. I know.” Youngbin soothed, holding onto his hand, their palms pressed flat together. “You’re safe with me. With Inseong and Jaeyoon, too.” He reassured, and Juho couldn’t help but let a few tears fall from his eyes.

 

“I’m gay.” He whispered, and just like that, it felt like a huge weight had been lifted off his shoulder.

 

\-------

 

The next semester started up and Juho and Youngbin spend more time in Youngbin's apartment than the library. Which, Juho is grateful for because Youngbin always cooked the best food and he always shared it.

 

Juho was so worried that it is too obvious that he loved Youngbin. He stuttered when Youngbin playfully fed him, he stared too long. His face got red entirely too easily when the older man did anything nice or if their close friendship was even mentioned.

 

For the semester, Juho got a new roommate. His name was Seokwoo. To say he was gorgeous was an understatement. He was also kind and motherly in a way that Juho was drawn to. He reminded him of his mother. For some reason. He was Juho's age. In such a short time, they become friends. It helps that Seokwoo's parents owned a bakery and they had a Friday Pig Out night where they watched netflix and ate the bakery's unsellable items.

 

Sometimes, Youngbin was invited. And if Juho noticed Youngbin sit a little closer to him than necessary while crowded around Seokwoo's desk, he preferred not to think too much into it- that made him too hopeful. He had a bigger computer screen than Juho's small laptop.

 

Seokwoo fit easily into their group of friends. As it grew, Juho felt like he belonged more and more. Truth be told, he hadn't ever felt anything like that since he first discovered he was gay. Around his old friends, he always felt like he was holding his breath as if he was waiting for someone to call him out. Seokwoo didn't know that he was gay, but Youngbin, Inseong, and Jaeyoon did.

 

Coming out to Inseong and Jaeyoon was easy- it happened when they were all together at Youngbin's apartment to celebrate the new year. Juho, this time, decided he did want to drink if even to calm his nerves. The two were a cute couple, now that Juho knew and could see their subtle affections. He wondered how he hadn’t been suspicious about it before, even. But perhaps they held back before when Juho was around. Inseong's hand a little too low on Jaeyoon's back, Jaeyoon's sneaky comforting touch to Inseong's wrist when they watched a horror movie.

 

It made sense. They made sense. He could see himself making sense with Youngbin as well.

 

He didn't let himself think about that too often. It was a dangerous road to go down that usually ended with Juho tugging his hair in frustration. Despite their commonalities, he couldn't bear to tell Jaeyoon and Inseong his crush on Youngbin.

 

When he had admitted he was gay to Inseong and Jaeyoon, they had both embraced him, congratulating him on accepting himself. Like they were accepting of him.

 

Seokwoo, however, had seen right through his crush.

 

“So, that Senior guy, he's cute, right? I mean, if I were into men, I'd think so.” Seokwoo says long after Youngbin has left for the night after watching the new Avengers movie Seokwoo had found illegal uploaded on the internet. They are both working on a project for their humanities class. Juho's eye managed to bug all the way out of his head. He cleared his throat before looking up at Seokwoo, feigning curiosity and confusion.

 

“I guess so?” Juho shifted in his seat. “He's nice, too.” He added, not knowing if that would be helpful or not.

 

“I've seen how you look at him, Juho. I'm not judging you. I think it is kinda cute, actually.” Seokwoo didn't waste time to beat around the bush and got straight to the point. “I think you should go for him. I think he likes you, too. Not that I'm an expert or anything... but you two are cute.”

 

“Thanks...” Juho mumbled, not ready to really admit to anyone yet that he had a crush on his friend. It would come in time, he supposed. Especially if Seokwoo was really as nonjudgemental as he claimed to be. Little did Juho know, his noncommittal answer was enough for Seokwoo’s then theory to be established as a fact.

 

As it turned out, however, Seokwoo was Juho's biggest hypeman. He would nudge Juho when Youngbin approached, as if to give him a warning and time to collect his thoughts. It helped, of course. Soon enough, Juho began to rely more and more on Seokwoo. They became closer and Juho really enjoyed spending time with him. Even when Seokwoo would have girls over and he had to leave the dorm room for the night.

 

Seokwoo probably also did that on purpose, because he always told Youngbin that Juho needed a place. And Youngbin always obliged and was waiting for Juho before Juho even knew he needed a ride.

 

It was something that Juho and Youngbin could laugh about, anyways. They often would watch movies and sometimes study.

 

The realization came during one of these nights. It was still cold in mid-March so Juho and Youngbin shared a blanket and were sat close together on the couch. There were empty hot chocolate mugs on the coffee table in front of them. The movie wasn't interesting, not to Juho at least, but Youngbin has a weird love of American history dramatizations and was currently enraptured in the movie. Juho's head fell onto Youngbin's shoulder.

 

“Tired?” Youngbin asked quietly, but his eyes don't leave the screen, he does slump a little bit to make it more comfortable for Juho. Juho smiled and looked up at the other man, admiring his jawline and the way the movie reflected in his eyes.

 

“Yeah.” He responded quietly, happiness bubbling in his chest. His smile grew wide, heart fluttering. “Are you happy, Youngbin?”

 

“Hm?” Youngbin's attention got torn away from the movie at Juho's words, “What do you mean?”

 

“I mean, in general... are you happy?”

 

“Yeah, I guess so?” Youngbin's eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “Are... are you?”

 

“Yes. I'm very happy.” The 'with you' stayed unspoken in Juho's heart as he closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep. Juho was happy and healthy and in Love. The problem was he couldn't exactly tell Youngbin how in love he was with him. It could potentially ruin everything. He was sure Youngbin would never be interested in a kid like him.

 

There was no harm in Juho's crush, though, Juho was perfectly happy just being friends.

 

Well, that is... until Youngbin got a boyfriend. A boyfriend that wasn't Juho.

 

Sanghyuk was loud- and obnoxious in a lot of ways. Juho didn't even think about what kind of person that would capture Youngbin's heart but it definitely didn't seem like it would be Sanghyuk. Juho had to remain a good sport, but as much as he cared for Youngbin and wanted him happy, he couldn't help the scowl on his face that formed every time he would see the two hold hands.

 

Or kiss.

 

“You're really obvious.” Seokwoo said as they watched Youngbin and Sanghyuk retreat from the library. They didn't dare hold hands here, but the way their shoulders brushed as they walked made an unpleasant feeling stir in Juho's belly.

 

The words took Juho's attention from the couple and to the man next to him. “Huh?” He said back dumbly, eyes blinking.

 

“You obviously hate Sanghyuk and it has everything to do with your feelings for Youngbin.”

 

“I'm allowed to not like people. That isn't even the reason. He's just... loud.” Juho grumbled, ducking his head to look at his textbook instead, highlighting a piece of information he deemed useful.

 

“Yeah, sure...” Seokwoo waved his hand dismissively. Juho knew that Seokwoo didn't believe him, but he didn't press. Which was good. Juho would hate to have to try and explain further or come up with some other, more believable reason. “I can set you up with someone, if you want.”

 

That thought made Juho shudder. “No, but thank you. Blind dates seem weird.”

 

“He'll be coming here in the fall, it might be a nice experience for him to just come and see what things are like. He's my friend from school. His name is Taeyang. He's our age, he just took a year off to travel. Some sort of coming out road trip, I guess?” Seokwoo rambled, trying, Juho was sure, to make the idea sound more appealing.

 

Juho kept his responses noncommittal until Seokwoo got the hint and dropped it.

 

Summer came and Juho continued to work. Youngbin hadn't graduated as he had decided to split the last 15 credits he needed to graduate into two semesters just to keep up with school and work at the same time. Juho was silently relieved. He didn't have to say goodbye to Youngbin yet.

 

Since he couldn't stay in the dorms without being a student, Juho didn't get the summer off. Of course not- he knew that it would be a possibility when he first came, but as he had no other obligations aside from school, he wasn't bothered. He decreased his workload, however, so he could ease into a part time on campus job at the library.

 

It was nice and he could study in the downtime and he could actually afford food. At least, something to make his ramen more filling. Like an egg. Some frozen vegetables. He had learned several tricks from his other dorm mates in the year he had been there already.

 

In two months it would be a year... a year since he had left Korea and moved to this part of the U.S. That was just as bad, if not worse, as Korea when it came to 'alternative lifestyles'. As he thought about the year since and how much things have changed, how much he had changed, he stocks books back on their rightful shelf.

 

The chiming of his phone broke through his revere. His cheeks flushed as he pulled it from his pocket to silence it and then he saw the notification as another message came through. It was the group chat that Youngbin, Inseong, and Jaeyoon all shared.

 

From: Youngbin

_sanghyuk and I broke up_

_he said he was sick of being a secret._

 

This information does things to Juho. Firstly, he felt sympathy for Youngbin- he knew that Youngbin's parents didn't know and he knew how terrifying a concept that telling them was to Youngbin. After all, Juho, too, had experienced that sort of feeling before. Secondly, he was hopeful. It meant that Youngbin would get over Sanghyuk and maybe, possibly, see him as someone he could date. Juho would understand how Youngbin wasn't ready to tell his parents or even anyone else they knew. Thirdly.... he felt ashamed for thinking that way when Youngbin obviously liked Sanghyuk and would be made sad and unhappy by their breakup.

 

He didn't respond, as he had nothing really to say. He couldn't think of words of comfort that weren't cliché or fake sounding. So, he tucked his phone away in his pocket and resumed working.

 

He still hadn't come up with a response to Youngbin and the resulting chaos their groupchat turned into by the time he headed back to his dorm. He has a single for the summer semester considering the low demand and.. well, it's nice. He had more space and more freedom.

 

He would have forgotten that fact as he approached considering the slumped figure against the wall. His roommate must have a visitor patiently waiting. Except, he had no roommate this visitor was for him.

 

The visitor, as it turned out, was Youngbin. Looking very worn out and defeated. Juho stopped in front of him and Youngbin's head lifts. His eyes look a bit red, but there is no other evidence of tears. He's never seen Youngbin like this before. “Hi.” Youngbin said, voice a bit rough and thick with emotion.

 

“I'm sorry about Sanghyuk, you two were good for each other.”

 

This, for some reason, makes Youngbin laugh. “I know you didn't like him.” He said as he stood up. “You don't have to pretend that you did anymore, at least.” He sounded bitter as he spoke. Juho felt guilty, suddenly, but he was also shocked Youngbin had seen through him and his disapproval without saying a word.

 

“Sorry...” Is all Juho can think to say as he fumbled with the key to let both of them into his dorm room. He smelled a hint of alcohol as Youngbin moved passed him to the couch on the other side of the room, opposite from Juho's bed.

 

“He was obnoxious, so I understand where you're coming from.” Youngbin nearly collapsed on the couch, face buried in a dark gray pillow. “I don't know why I even liked him so much...”

 

Juho sat on his bed, unsure of what to do and all sorts of uncomfortable. “Sometimes there isn't a rhyme or reason to why we fall in love... and there's no way to stop it or contain it...” Juho's voice is soft but even so it loses none of its deepness.

 

“I don't even know why I'm here with you. Usually, I wanna be alone. But...” Youngbin's words are kind of slurred. He should probably drink something before he inevitably passes out. He seemed to be headed rapidly in that direction, even though he still had his shoes on. “I really wanted to see you.”

 

Juho's heart fluttered in his chest, going crazy at the sentiment-at the very thought that Juho was the one Youngbin wanted to turn to. But, Juho had to remind himself, that he wasn't the one who had Youngbin's heart. Thinking otherwise just... hurt.

 

It hurt to see Youngbin so upset by being dumped by someone. When Juho wanted to show Youngbin what it was like to be loved by him. Juho wouldn't ever hurt Youngbin. He wouldn't let Youngbin be hurt.

 

After that, Youngbin seemingly passes out. Juho removes his shoes and covers him with a blanket before turning into bed himself while feeling completely useless because he just didn't know how to handle the situation he was in at the moment. He is too close to this to be of any help. There are too many conflicting emotions.

 

The next morning, Youngbin is gone by the time Juho woke up. It was odd, really, Juho expected Youngbin to sleep well into the afternoon. Or at least wake him up when he left. It shouldn't make things weird, it shouldn't unsettle Juho. But it does.

 

In the early morning summer heat, Juho laced up his shoes and went for a run.

 

Youngbin had seen him in some very stressful situations. But none of those situations was anything like the one that Youngbin was in now. And Juho couldn't offer anything but some silly cliched words and an uncomfortable couch to crash on. He felt useless in a lot of different ways. Youngbin always had such wise advice and comforting words.

 

Maybe Juho didn't deserve Youngbin. He didn't know how to support him in his time of need and that was a big requirement for dating someone. This thought left Juho sick to his stomach. He skipped breakfast and went to class after his run and shower.

 

It's a week before Youngbin shows up again. Juho is aware he was welcome at Youngbin's place, but with the summer semester coming to a close and just the compact intensity of the classes, he hadn't really had time. And he didn't know how to help Youngbin, which of course his mind told him its opinions on his usefulness to the man. Particularly how useless he was. Besides that, Youngbin must have known that Juho would be useless. The older man hadn't responded to any of his texts.

 

Youngbin was drunk when Juho answered his door again for the man. This time, he doesn't seem to be finished considering the open and nearly empty bottle of vodka in his grip. Juho gingerly took it away as the man swayed and stumbled to his couch and faceplanted onto it.

 

“Youngbin?” Juho said after a moment, concern dripping heavily from his words. When there was no response, Juho sighed and knelt down to take off his shoes. He hoped Youngbin hadn't spent all this time drinking himself to death.

 

As Youngbin's second shoe fell to the ground, the man stirred and rolled to his side. Juho looked to his face to find the expression grumpy. Mad, and a little confused. “I don't understand...”

 

Juho waited, seeing if he would elaborate. “Understand what...?” Juho prompted after a few moments of intense staring.

 

“Why I'm not upset over Sanghyuk and why I just want to be around you...” Youngbin said, running a hand through his hair. Juho could feel his frustration. “You're so young, and so...” Youngbin motioned to Juho, his whole body, up and down wildly with his arms. He doesn't elaborate and Juho is too scared of the answer to ask. “But I want you.”

 

Were this under any other circumstances, Juho would have been ecstatic. But right now, with Youngbin so clearly not over Sanghyuk, drunk, and having just insulted (he thinks?) him- It's the last thing Juho wanted to hear. His stomach plummets. It crashes through his body and onto the floor at the same time his heart jumps into his throat.

 

Youngbin won't even remember this in the morning. He's way too drunk, Juho can tell. “I think you're just looking for someone to replace Sanghyuk, you don't really want me.” Juho patted Youngbin on the cheek, “I think that's what they call a rebound here in America, right? I don't want to be that for you, Youngbin. I would love to be with you, but not like that.”

 

It's the deepest Juho is willing to go with his feelings right now, even if he knows Youngbin won't remember anything. But, the truth is that... Juho is just so... so disappointed. Finally in Youngbin's thoughts and it wasn't even for a true reason.

 

He somehow got Youngbin to drink a bottle of water before he fell asleep. But that night, Juho didn't sleep. He spent eight hours staring at the ceiling, trying to make pictures and stories from the crackling decorative pattern.

 

When the sun finally starts to rise, Juho sits up and sets out another water and some painkillers for Youngbin before he goes on his run. He ran until his whole body throbbed and his face was red. Ran until he convinced himself the night before was just a dream. That it didn't matter. That it didn't change how he saw Youngbin. That it didn't change their friendship.

 

For the most part, it doesn't. The term ends and the dorms flood with students again and Youngbin begins his final semester at University. Juho doesn't address what happened that night and neither does Youngbin.

 

Their friendship returns to normal. Juho still works part time in the library and Youngbin sometimes makes it hard to concentrate on that when he stopped by to 'borrow' a book. Juho knew better.

 

Since the Sanghyuk incident, Juho was trying his best to get over Youngbin. Nearly a year now of pining and there was absolutely no change in their relationship. They were friends and they would always be friends. Juho wasn't going to waste his time and energy on that when he was trying to make it through school.

 

He wasn't even sure that if he did have a chance with Youngbin, if he would even be able to keep up with the man, especially with the mystery that was Youngbin's future in the United States. None of their conversations about it ever led to a straight answer so Juho quit asking. Juho didn't want to ever go back to Korea. Not to live.

 

\-----

With the start of Fall, it was then that Taeyang started with the college- just as Seokwoo had said. They had met a couple times over the summer and Juho had showed them around. It was merely fate that they ended up rooming right across from each other. Juho had Seokwoo again, and Taeyang was right across the hall.

 

It was a nice set up. Juho found himself enjoying more and more time with students his age and fitting in better. He was less shy and fidgety- and what he couldn't handle he was working on and trying hard to overcome. He used the school counselors to his advantage on some of the issues he needed more help with.

 

Halfway through the semester, it seemed that Youngbin realized how Juho began to spend less time with him- if the fact that the older was reaching out and trying harder to be a part of Juho's life was any indication. Sometimes Juho had a legitimate excuse, sometimes he made one up, and well, on the days he felt he could face Youngbin, he agreed to meet for coffee.

 

Maybe that night had effected Juho more than he realized. Seeing Youngbin always caused his throat to get jammed with his heart and his stomach to flip. He was so hopelessly in love with someone who would never see him that way.

 

Nothing would change. Juho was in the middle of lamenting that fact when Inseong interrupted his thoughts. “You and Taeyang seem to get along well…” The insinuation in his tone wasn’t missed by Juho, and the youngest of the three seated at the dinner table’s heart rate sped up. Jaeyoon and Youngbin looked back at him curiously.

 

“Uhhh, yeah, we get along great, actually. We’ve gotten to be good friends. Just friends. Nothing more.” He stressed, trying not to look directly at Youngbin. That would be too obvious. “Seokwoo and I hung out with him a bunch over the summer before he came here. And since he just lives across the hall, whenever Seokwoo’s girlfriend stays over, I just go crash on his floor.”

 

“So that’s why I haven’t gotten any texts saying you’ve been sexiled?” Youngbin’s tone is hard to decipher. Juho doesn’t want to hope that it’s jealousy he sees in his eyes.

 

“Yeah. He’s really nice, I think you guys would like him.” Juho said.

 

“Do you like him? As in, do you have a crush~?” Jaeyoon teased Juho. “Our baby gay Juho-“

 

Before Jaeyoon could even continue, Juho cut in, “I don’t! I mean, yeah, Seokwoo tried to set us up and we do have a lot in common but he isn’t the one I like I-“ Juho caught himself before he blurted out anything revealing. His heart was in his throat as he caught Youngbin’s eyes. He wanted to ask them to please believe him, but he wasn’t sure if they would. He probably looked like he was denying it too much now and they wouldn’t believe him.

 

“So is there someone you like?” Youngbin asked. Juho’s breath caught in his throat. Everything felt suddenly hot despite it being November now.

 

“N-No…” It wasn’t technically a lie. Juho loved Youngbin. The term like seemed so juvenile compared to what Juho felt for the other man. Still, Juho couldn’t look at Youngbin. He focused on the table instead, fiddling with the coozie on his coffee cup.

 

Youngbin probably wouldn’t even be in America in a couple month’s time anyway. They had no chance.

 

“Not a single soul?” Inseong pressed, Juho really wished they would all just get the hint.

 

“I gotta go.” Juho said, standing abruptly, “I have an exam tomorrow, I just remembered.”  He rushed out before turning on his heel and booking it back to his dorm room, ignoring their protests. He wouldn’t last there any longer, and quite frankly, he was really embarrassed by his feelings for Youngbin.

 

He was just a kid, there was no way Youngbin was going to like him like that. It wasn’t too long after he bolted that his phone chimed with a message from Jaeyoon.

 

Jae hyung:

Sorry for baiting you like that… we didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.

 

Juho waited until he was in his dorm and trying to relax before he texted back a simple reply.

 

It’s okay, I just panicked.

 

He had never outright told either of the two of his feelings for Youngbin, but he could tell they knew. He wasn’t subtle. Juho was sure Youngbin himself knew, but was being considerate of his feelings.

 

Seokwoo returned when Juho was elbow deep in organic chemistry supported by Taeyang. The man was drunk as hell. A scene Juho was familiar with. “Is everything okay?”

 

“Seolhyun and him fought. Don’t worry, it’s happened before.” Taeyang said, dropping the tall man onto his rightful bed. “I just wish he wouldn’t make me carry him across campus because of it.” Taeyang huffed, stretching his back out.

 

Juho could just nod, unsure of the proper response to this information. Taeyang tossed a blanket over Seokwoo, who was mumbling in distress. Juho stood and helped with his shoes. “Thanks for bringing him back. I wouldn’t want the police knocking on my door in the middle of the night because he has caused a scene.”

 

“Yeah, he’s an idiot, but he’s safe now.”

 

“You could have called for help, you know.” Juho said as Taeyang walked to the door. “He’s like… seven feet tall, you’re going to be in a lot of pain tomorrow.”

 

Taeyang laughed and they walked across the hall together. “Well, maybe you could just give me a nice massage. Out of the kindness of your heart.”

 

Over Taeyang’s shoulder, Juho spotted Youngbin. “Oh, it’s Youngbin.” He said intelligently. The other man was coming right for them. Taeyang looked over his shoulder and turned back to Juho with a gentle pat on his shoulder.

 

“He won’t hate you if you told him you liked him, you know.” Taeyang said with a small smile and went back into his dorm room. The door shut quietly when Youngbin finally made it to him.

 

“Hey, how’s studying?” Youngbin asked, eyeing the door Taeyang just went through suspiciously.

 

“Taeyang just dropped Seokwoo off. He’s drunk off his ass because he fought with his girlfriend.” Juho said, stepping towards his room again. “You know, it reminded me of something someone did to me over the summer.”

 

“I never apologized for that, huh?” Youngbin sounded sheepish, at least. “Or for the things I said at that time.”

 

Juho’s heart jumped into his throat. “What do you mean?”

 

“The second time I showed up drunk, I told you I wanted to be with you. It was out of line considering I was just getting over Sanghyuk.”

 

“No!” Juho waved his arms frantically. “It’s totally fine, I don’t blame you for it-“

 

“But, you know, I think you do? Or I made things awkward between us. Things have been different since. I have barely seen you since and today, when we teased you about Taeyang, you bolted. Your organic chemistry exam was today. You don’t have any tomorrow. Tomorrow is Saturday.”

 

Juho was, it turned out, a terrible liar. He opened his mouth to refute, but no words came. He had no excuses and he was caught.

 

“Juho, I’m really sorry for saying that. I really hope you know it wasn’t anything serious. You’re my best friend and I don’t want to jeopardize that because of something stupid I said when I was drunk.”

 

Juho still didn’t know how much of that night Youngbin remembered. Juho remembered that night so clearly. And what Juho had told Youngbin. About his feelings.

 

He was sick of being scared. Sick of the feelings he got whenever he was around Youngbin. So, if it was all going to go to hell anyway, he might as well rip off the bandaid. He sat heavily on his bed, Youngbin stayed standing near his door. He sighed and so, in a shocking moment of confidence, he let it all out.

 

“It’s not your words that upset me. It was the fact you only wanted me as a rebound when I’ve wanted to be with you practically since the first moment we met.” He let out. “And I know, I’m just a kid, and you’re probably going back to Korea soon, but I love you, Youngbin. I’m in love with you. And it really hurt me when you said that, but only because it made me realize you’ll… never see me that way.”

 

“Juho-“ Youngbin started, looking shocked. “Juho, no… no. I didn’t. I don’t-“ He started. I was surreal to see Youngbin flustered like this. Like their roles were reversed. Juho was usually the panicking one. “I’m not leaving Korea.” He finally managed to get out. It certainly wasn’t what Juho was expecting him to clarify.

 

“You’re not?”

 

“No! No…. I’m going to get my master’s.” He said, sitting into Juho’s desk chair. “At the business college. You… love me?”

 

Juho was relieved at the revelation, but he couldn’t relax. Not when he was in this position. “Yeah… of course I do, it’s… been stupidly obvious. I just want you to know, that… I’ve been trying to get over you and get our friendship back to normal. It might sound crazy, but I miss you? Even if I was the one who put the distance between us, I just need a little more time to-“

 

“I don’t want you to get over me. God, Juho-“ Youngbin moved closer, knees on the carpet in front of Juho. The sudden closeness shocked the younger, but he did his best not to jump or move away. Which was easy to do once he found Youngbin’s face so close. Inescapable. Filling his vision. Just as dazzling and distracting as before.

 

Then he held Juho’s face in his hands.

 

“I never wanted you to only be a rebound.” He said, searching Juho’s eyes. Staring into his soul.

 

Juho was currently short circuiting. And Youngbin wasn’t even done.

 

“You’re not a kid, Juho. I just… I’ve wanted you for a long time and I didn’t want to take the chance you didn’t feel the same so I tried to convince myself however I could that I didn’t want you. But… I do. I always have. I never stopped. I love you, too, Juho. And I’m sorry I wasn’t brave enough to tell you before.”

 

Juho’s eyes go wide, breath stuck in his throat. He can feel his fingers start to tingle, his toes go numb. He loses all feelings in his body. Youngbon leans in close and his eyes close. He doesn’t resist.

 

Youngbin’s lips are gentle, a little hesitant. And in one thrilling electric shock, Juho’s suddenly feeling. Each and every one of his nerves are on fire, soaring. Singing for Youngbin.

 

He doesn’t realize he hasn’t reacted until he feels Youngbin start to pull away. Juho’s hands shoot up to grip his sweater and tugs him back, lips responding as he tumbles back to the bed, back hitting with a soft bounce. Youngbin gets dragged with him. Their bodies are pressed flush together, Youngbin’s weight on top of him.

 

It is far better than any fervent wet dream Juho has ever had- without the guilt.

 

Juho kissed like he’s starving, Youngbin kissed back just as desperately. His head is spinning, heart soaring.

 

Youngbin didn’t kiss like he didn’t want to. He kissed like Juho was water and he had been stranded in the dessert. There was so much feeling. So much, Juho was shocked he didn’t see it before. They had been dancing around each other for a while.

 

When he ran out of breath, he broke the kiss. “I’ve imagined that so many times. My imagination had nothing on the real thing.” Youngbin said. Juho burst into laughter underneath him.

 

“Have you always been this cheesy?” Juho asked, “Or is that just boyfriend privileges?”

 

“Boyfriend? I like the sound of that.” Youngbin grinned, pressing their foreheads together.

 

“Fuckin’ finally.” A deep, drunk voice groaned out from across the room. “Been waiting for that for like seven years.”

 

The two on the bed laughed. Genuine, giddy laughter. Juho pressed his laughter into Youngbin’s throat, and he could feel Youngbin’s pulse against his lips. It was hammering away just like Juho’s.

 

“Can I take you on a date?” Youngbin asked once they calmed down.

 

“Right now?” Juho asked as they both sat up. He was nervous now. They had confessed, yes, but now they had to navigate changing their relationship from just friendship to… lovers.

 

Maybe Juho was just overthinking it. They had become friends effortlessly, this transition would be just as easy. Right? “Yeah, we could go out for dinner.”

 

“No, let’s go make dinner at your place. We haven’t done what for a while.” Juho suggested. “Plus, you look cute in an apron and I can finally tell you that.”

 

“I can tell you how adorable it is when you eat and your cheeks just bulge out like a hamster.” Youngbin reached out and punched his cheeks.

 

Juho was in the middle of protesting when Seokwoo’s voice interrupted them again, “Just leave, you’re grossing me out.”

 

“Don’t be homophobic, Seokwoo.”  Juho admonished, stifling laughter.

 

“No, you’re disgustingly cute and I’m bitter-“

 

“Just go back to bed, we’re leaving.” Juho tossed a pillow at the other and stood, taking hold of Youngbin’s hand and lacing their fingers together.

 

He didn’t even want to let go when they entered the dorm hallway. If it was Youngbin beside him, he felt like he could endure the glances and judgement. Slowly, anyways.

 

Their hands slipped apart when they saw people in the hallway, but the kiss Youngbin gave him when they were safely in Youngbin’s apartment was more than enough to make up for it. The world didn’t need to agree with them, they were just happy together. Finally.

**Author's Note:**

> hi this took me like a year to write and it still didn't end up like i wanted it to. BUT HAPPY PRIDE MONTH Y'ALL. please be sure to comment or leave kudos on what you think! I actually have a few more ideas to put into this lil universe and not gonna lie, I am gonna need motivation to get through it. please let me know what you think!


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